One Weird Trick for Becoming a Supreme Court Justice.*

Thank you for your interest in becoming a Justice. We have many applicants, but there is currently only one opening on the Supreme Court. In order to streamline the process, we are asking all applicants to complete the following questionnaire.   Using a #2 pencil, please select the most appropriate answer to the following questions:

1.What does “well regulated” mean?

(a) Like, regulated WELL – someone is doing a good job on the regulating.

(b) When the Reggae rockers keeps dat backbeat steady one drop, yah?

(c) “Well regulated” means whatever I say it means.

(d) In proper alphabetical order and color- coordinated.

2.  What was the holding of Marbury v. Madison?

(a) Um, I haven’t actually gotten around to reading it yet – I know I promised God I would go back and read it if he would help me pass my exam, and I will I SWEAR.

(b) That was when the combined chocolate conglomerate of Mars and Cadbury sued the town of Madison, Wisconsin.

(c) A landmark case that formed the basis for judicial review in the United States and defined the boundary between the executive and judicial branches.

(d) Mar & Madison are those two dealers who hang on the corner. I don’t know if they got weed right now, but I could ask them if they are holding. I mean . . . I would do it as your friend.

3. Who was Felix Frankfurter?

(a) A sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania.

(b) A black and white cat featured in some of the earliest cartoon movies.

( c) A Supreme Court Justice from 1939-62 known for a philosophy of judicial restraint, and a founder of the ACLU.

(d) Heh-heh heh . . you said frankfurter heh-heh . . .

Dr. Frank N. Furter, The Rocky Horror Picture Show

“I got your judicial restraints right here.” – Dr. Frank N. Furter, Rocky Horror Picture Show

4. As you know, Congress will look into the background of any Supreme Court Nominee. So we need to know: Do you have skeletons in your closet?

(a) No way! I bury all the skeletons of my victims in the backyard! The closet is a terrible location for body disposal.

(b) I got that on vinyl, man! “Skeletons in The Closet” is my favorite Grateful Dead album.

(c) Searching my closet for skeletons without a warrant would violate my Constitutional right to be free from unreasonable searches and seizures.  KIDDING! I know nobody cares about the 4th Amendment anymore.

(d) Just Jimmy Hoffa.

If you picked “C” for each question – congratulations! You are now the nominee! Please head to the Senate Judicial Committee to be pelted with rotten fruit. After confirmation, report to chambers to get your paddle and rulebook. Please remind Ruth Bader Ginsburg that hazing is NOT a SCOTUS-approved activity and she is still on probation after the super-glue incident. You will need to supply your own black robe for court days. Gavel is optional.

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* *Sorry/ Not sorry for the click-bait title.  I first posted this a few days ago, and,like, 5 people read it (including my mother) so I was curious if more people would see it this way. So, really, this is a scientific experiment about blog post titles.  

Je ne regret rein. 

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